You have a great career, a nice car, a place of your own. You are educated and look good from head to toe. You are healthy and in shape; you simply have it all together. So what’s the problem? Why can’t you get a man? By society’s definition, you are a strong, successful, independent woman. Sounds like you are a great catch, but it seems, to most men, you are too strong and not what they want.
A friend of mine sent me a video where a gentleman described this exact scenario and he went on to say that some men want a “weak-minded” woman with low self-esteem and not much going for them in their lives. He explained that these men want these types of women so that they can impress her, do things for her she never thought anyone could, manipulate her, and make himself feel like a king and God’s gift to her. She is just prey for their egos. I am personally disgusted and disturbed about the portrayal of either woman — whether she is deemed too strong or too weak minded. I believe this is a cop-out for those men who don’t have it together and probably won’t get it together.
As a strong, successful woman, I have met men who tell me how great I am and that I would make a good wife, yet I did not become their woman. I am grateful that I did not with some of them. However, with those who seem to be “good men” and have it together themselves, but chose someone who is total opposite of the “good woman” they claim to seek, it has left me scratching my head and wondering WTF, why didn’t he choose me? What did I not have or did not do to get or keep him? I have asked myself questions like: Should I be needy or clingy? Should I not tell him what I do for a living or that I have a college degree? Should I not rock my designer brands? Should I be wilder in bed? Can I say frustrated.com!
The real question is, would any of that make a difference. Why do some men say they want one thing, but chase after something completely opposite? Is it an ego and pride thing? Men have egos that need to be stroked and they do not want to feel emasculated by their women. However, to disregard the woman “who has it together” just so you can feel better about yourself is crazy. Could it also be that men have too many options? In the US population, there are about 86 men to 100 women, which means, at any given time, 14 percent of the women are single and this does not take sexual orientation or preference or the percentage of incarcerated men and women into consideration. In a nut shell, it is a known fact that women outnumber men across the US (unlike China where it’s raining men due to a man-made gender imbalance decades ago), so there is a surplus of single women, which means men can control the type of woman who is in demand, from ethnicity to socioeconomic status. Therefore, if there are more men out there who believe they have nothing to offer a “strong, successful” woman, the woman deemed opposite will get the guy every time.
So, what is the solution? My friend who shared the video was irritated and feels there is no solution, especially for women of color. She believes that society tells us as women to be strong and successful, yet there is no demand for us. My answer to my friend is this: keep on being strong and letting your light shine! Keep on being who you are and have faith that there is a man out there who will appreciate your strength, beauty, success and more and will love you unconditionally. That man may not show up in the package we have in our head though. He may not be as educated as you are. As a matter a fact, I read an article that alluded to single, educated women having more dating and relationship success by doing one of two things (or both) – moving to a city that naturally has more men than women (due to industry, i.e. tech, construction, etc.) – be willing to date non-college educated working class men (the pool of educated men is small and is shrinking as less men go to college). Moreover, keep a positive outlook, be open and flexible, and have fun -- it is not dooms day (although it feels that way sometimes).
One of my Serial Dater Affirmations I will share is: YOU ARE A BIG F-ING DEAL! You have probably been told that you are intimidating, strong, aggressive, demanding, overpowering, too smart, too confident, and much more, all of which have made you question if you should somehow tone it all down so “he” will date you. Why should you shrink yourself or dim your light to make someone else feel secure? No way! Know your value and worth and “he” that cannot accept it, kick rocks with no shoes on!
The Dating Chronicles is an advice column for women and men who are single (not just in your head, but really single), never married, recently divorced, widowed or for those who simply love a good read. Share your questions, frustrations, dating woes, and success stories to AskAnnMarie1@gmail.com. You can also follow Chronicles of a Serial Dater on Facebook and Instagram and post/DM your questions. All names will be kept anonymous to protect the innocent. To learn more about me and my book, Chronicles of a Serial Dater, visit chroniclesofaserialdater.com.